Raw comes to you live from Laredo, Texas.
Recap of last week’s Big Show beating on John Cena. Tonight it’s CM Punk & John Cena vs. Daniel Bryan & Chris Jericho.
John Cena opens the show. He thanks Jericho and Show for last week’s beatdown, as it helped him prepare for Money in the Bank. He realizes that everyone is out to get everyone, and you have only enemies, no friends. He says he’s going to win MITB and become WWE Champion.
“YES!” Daniel Bryan starts screaming. He comes out and says Cena isn’t relevant to him unless Cena wins, in which case Cena will be the first ever to cash in and lose. He’s going to win MITB and beat Punk for the WWE Championship. Cena said at least one person would disagree with him.
CM Punk walks out next. He too disagrees with Bryan, and began hopping around the ring yelling “YES!” Punk says AJ is going to count the 1-2-3 pinfall on Bryan. Bryan gets upset and asks if anyone can come up with an original catchphrase by themselves.
Chris Jericho is out next, and calls Punk a wannabe. Jericho told Bryan that people steal his catchphrases, then turns to Punk and says “No offence Mr. Best in the World.” Punk snaps back saying, “None taken, Mr. Bon Jovi.” Nice. Jericho told Bryan to come up with some other catchphrases. Bryan tries to talk back, but Jericho cuts in with a “WOULD YOU PLEASE, SHUT THE HELL UP!” followed by “welcome to Raw is Jericho! After tonight, none of you in this ring will ever, everrrrrrr be the same again!” Awesome.
Jericho tells Cena that he invented the Money in the Bank ladder match, and will win the match because of that, and challenges anyone to say otherwise. Kane’s music hits–the first one of the segment–and simply says “otherwise” into Jericho’s mic.
Big Show comes out next, and Bryan uses it to jump Punk from behind. Everyone started beating down on everyone. Show levelled Kane with a clothesline and was the last man standing after everyone was left laying.
Overall, not a bad segment. According to reports, it’s looking like Cena will win MITB in order to start a feud with Punk at SummerSlam, where he comes out victorious following last year’s dropping of the title to Cena.
“Did You Know?” Raw debuted in 1993. They list a bunch of celebrities and how old they were at the time. When they come back, Michael Cole says Jerry Lawler was in his prime back then. Ha!
Charlie Sheen is the social media ambassador for Raw No. 1,000. Sounds like a pretty sweet gig. Sign me up.
Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Santino & Christian d. Cody Rhodes, David Otunga & The Prime Time Players w/AW (D+)
Truth is back after missing the last month or so with a foot injury. Kofi displayed some nice offence with a springboard clothesline and a suicide dive to the outside. After the commercial, Kofi was getting worked on but eventually made the hot tag to Santino. Truth and Kingston knock the Prime Time Players to the outside, and they’re eventually pulled from the match by AW. Otunga tried to make a tag to Rhodes, but he got off the apron and left. What a bitch. Brodus Clay’s music hits. Otunga tried to bail, but he’s covered on all sides. Clay threw Otunga back in the ring and Santino hit Otunga with the Cobra for the pinfall at 8 minutes. Post-match, Christian hit the Killswitch on Otunga, and Clay hit a Big Splash. Everyone started dancing with little kids in the ring.
Backstage, Teddy Long is dancing in his office. Alberto Del Rio & Ricardo Rodriguez walk in, and ADR demands a World Heavyweight Championship match against Sheamus. Teddy says that the Board of Directors have named Del Rio the No. 1 contender for the title at Money in the Bank. But ADR has a match tonight. He asks who its against, but Long says “Why don’t we call it a Teddy Long surprise, playa?”
Raw moment: Stephanie McMahon recalls Shane helping train Vince for the 1999 Royal Rumble. “I HATE AUSTIN! I HATE AUSTIN!” Classic.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara ends in No Contest
Del Rio attacked Cara before the match even started in the ring. He tossed Cara into the turnbuckles, then threw him to the outside and applied the Cross Amrbreaker as Cara taps out frantically. Fans were apparently chanting “culero” at Del Rio, which means “asshole” in Spanish. Well done. As for Cara, his job in the company is reportedly in jeopardy.
Backstage, AJ is wearing CM Punk’s wrist tape with the Straight Edge ‘X’ on it. Bryan comes in from behind with a rose that just happened to be in a bouquet behind her. Bryan basically apologizes for being an ass. AJ says Bryan is only doing this because she’s the special guest ref for Money in the Bank. She said she’d win her match tonight and then run into the arms of the man that the WWE Universe feels is her soulmate (Punk). For the record, I never once thought that. AJ bites the pedals off the rose and spits it out.
After the commercial, it’s Paul Heyman via satellite. I love the staredown he’s giving the microphone calibrator.
Triple H/Lesnar/Heyman video package.
Paul Heyman talks via satellite. He says Brock Lesnar will answer Triple H’s challenge in 3 weeks at Raw No. 1,000 on July 23. Heyman said if Lesnar accepts this challenge, he will end Triple H’s in-ring career so that HHH can become the businessman he’s trying to be. It won’t be a match at SummerSlam, but rather a mercy killing. Overall, well done.
Sheamus & AJ d. Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero (D)
Ziggler hit a nice DDT, but Sheamus eventually countered with a hard forearm to the face, followed by White Noise. Ziggler dodged the Brogue Kick by tagging in Vickie. Instead of Sheamus making the obligatory tag to AJ, he hits Ziggler with a Brogue Kick while on the apron. AJ hit a Shining Wizard on Vickie for the pinfall at 4 minutes. Post-match, AJ grabbed the mic and repeatedly yelled “YES!”
Backstage, AJ walks up to Punk. He’s on the phone with his sister, and says he’ll call her back. Punk says he didn’t see the match, angering AJ. She walks away as Punk shrugs his shoulders. Geeve.
Heath Slater d. Doink The Clown (F)
Doink is being played by Steve Lombardi, aka The Brooklyn Brawler. Slater hit a neckbreaker for the pinfall at 2 minutes. Terrible. Post-match, Diamond Dallas Page’s music hits. Holy shit! He got in the ring and celebrated with Slater, then hit a Diamond Cutter on him. Why waste the match on Doink when DDP could’ve done it?
No DQ: Big Show d. Kane (D+)
Show knocked Kane to the outside with a shoulder tackle, then sent him flying into the security wall. Show went for a charge, but missed and crashed into the same wall. Show countered a Chokeslam by slamming Kane against the announce table, then kicked him in the neck. Show grabbed a chair as he made his way back to the ring, but Kane got him before he could use it, then hit a DDT for a nearfall. Show gave Kane a spear into the chair, followed by a Chokeslam for the pinfall at 4 minutes. Meh.
Backstage, Teddy finds Eve. Teddy put a name tag on her shoulder like the one he had. She takes it off and leaves, then walks into AJ. Eve tells her to be the crying girl in the corner. AJ snapped back, saying Eve will do anything for attention. AJ says, “Want to see how to get attention? I’ll show you. I’ll show all of you.”
Raw moment: Del Rio recalls when DX invaded WCW in 1998, which was when he started watching WWE in Mexico.
Tyson Kidd d. Tensai w/Sakamoto (F)
Tensai was on offence early, and the ref tried to break it up. Kidd quickly scored a rollup for the pinfall at 20 seconds. Post-match, Tensai attacked Sakamoto again. Kidd is such a good in-ring performer, so why is he pinning guys in 15 seconds?
Backstage, it’s Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho. Bryan told Jericho not to wear his flashy jacket because it’s embarrassing. Jericho asks about Bryan’s jacket and beard. He says they need to work together to beat Cena & Punk. So what do you say? Bryan: “YES!” Bryan starts shouting “YES!” and Jericho tells him repeatedly to not to say that “ever again” repeatedly.
Backstage, it’s CM Punk and John Cena. Punk asked Cena to follow his lead, and Cena smiles. He patted Cena on the back and said he’ll just listen to him. That almost sounded like a planted seed for a heel turn.
“Did You Know?” Raw debuted in 1993, 11 years before Facebook was invented. Who the fuck cares?
Backstage, Josh Mathews is with Tyson Kidd. Kidd is upbeat and positive, but Tensai comes in from behind and beats the shit out of him against the lockers.
CM Punk & John Cena vs. Chris Jericho & Daniel Bryan ends in No Contest (C+)
Did anyone else catch Jericho’s face right when Cena’s music hit? Amazing. Jericho and Cena botched a move in the ring that looked like a missed suplex of some kind. Awkward. Cena got worked on, but eventually made the hot tag to Punk. Punk hits some offence on Bryan for two, then applies the Anaconda Vice, but Jericho broke it up. Jericho gets thrown out by Cena, and the Cena punches him up the ramp and past the stage. Bryan and Punk are going at it in the ring, with Punk hitting a massive superplex.
AJ’s music hits, and she skips around the ring again. Bryan and Punk hit synchronized crossbody’s on each other, knocking both of them out. AJ goes under the ring and pulls out a long table. She props it up on the outside, then climbs the top rope and looks like she’s going to jump through it. Bryan runs up on the apron and pleads with her not to jump. Punk follows suit, and climbs the top rope to convince her to come down. She grabs Punk and kisses them, then tosses him backwards. Punk falls onto Bryan, and they both fall back off the apron and through the table at 12 minutes. AJ begins doing the “YES!” pumps as the show fades to black.
Three Stars of the Show
* Chris Jericho
*** CM Punk
Final Grade: C+