NO WAY OUT
No Way Out comes to you live from East Rutherford, New Jersey–the home of WrestleMania 29. I just smashed this Lick’s Hulk burger. Now my heart hurts. My ass and colon will soon follow. I hope I make it through this show alive.
Brodus Clay d. David Otunga via Countout
Otunga worked over Brodus, then left the ring for the countout.
Video package for the John Cena, Big Show, John Laurinaitis storyline. /Show/Laurinaitis storyline.
Sheamus d. Dolph Ziggler for the World Heavyweight Championship
Ziggler gets a bigger pop from the crowd than Sheamus did. Ziggler asks for a kiss from Vickie. Ziggler took a big bump to the outside early on. Ziggler with a nice counter into a massive DDT. Ziggler has the pin, but he uses the ropes for leverage. As Ziggler argues, Sheamus counters with a schoolboy for a nearfall. With Sheamus in a hold, he starts a comeback and gains momentum, but Ziggler counters with a Sleeper as the crowd backs him up. Ziggler goes for a cross body off the top, but Sheamus botches the catch. Sheamus again for White Noise, but Ziggler escapes and hits a FameAsser for a nearfall. Nice sequence. “Let’s Go Ziggler” chant. Smart people. Sheamus pulls himself from the corner up and over onto the top rope, but Ziggler runs up there and gives him an X-Factor from the top rope for another nearfall! Wow! That was amazing. Sheamus counters another Sleeper with an Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus hits a flurry of forearms to the chest with Ziggler on the apron, but Ziggler eventually gets back in and gets a Sleeper, but Sheamus counters and hits White Noise. Sheamus winds up and hits a massive Brogue Kick for the pinfall at 15 minutes. What a sell on the finisher. Very nicely done.
Backstage, Vince McMahon is approached by John Laurinaits from behind. Ace with a red suit and blue tie. He suggests Vince stays back because of his concussion. Ace says he’s looking out for Vince’s health, and the benefit of their relationship. Vince enters his office, then stops and refuses to let Ace in. Josh Mathews asks Ace about pressure, and Ace snaps back, saying he handles pressure well every day. He takes a few shots at Mathews, then leaves.
Tuxedo match: Santino Marella d. Ricardo Rodriguez
The first one to strip his opponent of his tuxedo wins. Oh joy. Santino is out in a powder blue tux, and Ricardo is out dressed as he usually is. They bicker over who’s dressed nicer, and gauge fan reactions. They push each other around, and both guys start ripping sleeves and backings off each other. They’re coming off rather easily, they may be tissue paper. Santino yells, “this was my family’s tuxedo! Now you make-a me mad!” Gold Jerry, Gold! Santino gets Ricardo’s tux and starts saying “torro, torro!” and Ricardo dives out of the ring. Santino starts removing his shoes and smelling them, then plugging his nose. Does this count as softcore pornography? Yes, yes it does. Crowd is chanting “boring.” I agree. What a waste of time. Give this time to a match that deserves it. Santino pulls out the Cobra, but Ricardo pulls it off and throws it away. Ricardo is the first to get in his opponents’ pants. Damn, that sounds wrong. Santino has a Cobra on his right foot as a sock. He does a kip up and a big boot on Ricardo, then pulls off Ricardo’s pants for the win at 4 minutes. Ricardo is struggling to his feet with underwear bearing Alberto Del Rio’s face on the ass. There are some things you can’t unsee in this world, people. A complete waste of time.
Backstage, CM Punk with Matt Striker. He asks about Punk’s relationship with AJ. He says she’s crazy, but the match is about the WWE Championship. He pumps Bryan and Kane. AJ walks in and gives Punk a kiss on the cheek. She says good luck, but Punk says luck is for losers. Striker is waiting for a comment, but AJ just stares him down.
Intercontinental Championship: (C) Christian d. Cody Rhodes
Christian is in control early, but Rhodes gets the upper hand with Christian going face-first into the apron. A lot of holds and takedowns so far, a rather slow pace. Christian is sitting on the top turnbuckle, and Rhodes shoves him off, sending him crashing to the outside. On the outside, Christian hit an incredibly smooth, crisp DDT. Wow. That was incredible. Christian regains control, hitting a middle rope drop kick. He climbs up top and hits a cross body, but its countered into a nearfall. Rhodes pulls Christian’s legs out from underneath him as the match takes another pause. Rhodes climbs up top and does the peace sign, but Christian meets him and hits a big top rope hurricanrana for two. Another nice spot. Christian went for the Killswitch, but Rhodes grabs his legs from behind and kicks him in the groin, followed by an Alabama Slamma for two. Christian goes for a Spear, but Rhodes bails. Back in the ring, Christian tries for a sunset flip, but Rhodes counters with a nearfall. Christian hits a Killswitch out of nowhere but only gets two! Wow. “YES!” chant. Christian and Cody go up top, and Christian knocks him off. Christian goes for the Frog Splash, but Cody gets his knees up. They have an incredible sequence immediately after; Cody’s Diaster Kick is countered into a Killswitch, which was also reversed. The two separate, and Christian hits a big Spear for the pinfall at 11 minutes. What a finish. Nice and crisp counters and reversals. Excellent work.
Don’t Try This promo.
Fatal 4-Way–#1 Contender for WWE Tag Team Championship: Prime Time Players d. Promo & Epico, Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd and The Usos
Primo and Epico comes out with Rosa Mendes and A.W.. The Usos had the weirdest tribal-style intro, while Prime Time Players are wearing pink tights. The Usos are in control early, dominating everyone. They hit a nice double team Samoan Drop on Justin Gabriel. Impressive. Titus tags himself in and gets a nearfall on Gabriel, who was worked over for the majority of the match. Kidd with some impressive offence on Primo, landing some nice spots. All the teams then perform some impressive moves to the outside, capped by a hurricanrana off the top rope on 6 people on the outside. There are 8 people laid out on the outside. Young runs in after Primo and hits his insane for the pinfall at 9 minutes. It’s a like a Samoan Drop turned into a dropping double knees to the chest. Impressive. A.W. walks into the ring and raises both of their arms in victory. Primo & Epico are yelling at A.W. with Rosa nagging in the background. Primo grabs A.W., then Epico lays him out with a shot. Prime Time Players jump to his aid and take out Primo & Epico, as Prime Time and A.W. stand tall in the ring.
2012 Money in the Bank promo. Ricardo Rodriguez’ face is priceless.
Flashback to Brock Lesnar/Triple H’s attack on Raw.
Triple H comes out to a nice reception. “HHH” chant. I guess his arm is OK. He says he’s spent more than half is life in the ring because it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted to do, or get a real job. Here he is all these years later with a real job. Yeah, not really. He’s had to deal with a lot of crap since Paul Heyman hit him with a pair of lawsuits. He says he’s a fighter and an asskicker, not a corporate guy. But he has an idea. Heyman says Lesnar wants to fight, and Lesnar says he’s not a wrestler but a fighter and an asskicker. But the last time he saw Lesnar, he jumped HHH from behind and broke his arm. He flexes it and says it’s a lot better, and will be 100% in a few weeks. That brings us to “summer sometime.” Drop the lawyers and lawsuits, fat and balding Heyman, leaving just HHH and Lesnar and doing what we do. “We’re fighters…and I. Wanna. Fight. You. I wanna fight you bad.” Lesnar vs. HHH one on one at SummerSlam. “Let’s. Do. This.” “YES!” chant from the fans. Or you can be happy being a quitter. Whatever you choose, I’ll be waiting. Nice promo.
Backstage, Daniel Bryan warming up when AJ walks in. “YES!” chant from the crowd. She tries to talk to him, but DB says it’s not the time. Even after everything they’ve been through, there’s a part of her that hasn’t gotten over him, and she just wanted to left him know and wish him good luck. She kisses DB on the cheek too. He’s got a smile on his face.
Divas Championship: Beth Phoenix vs. (C) Layla
Both girls take turns bantering with the crowd. Layla puts on Beth’s crown and starts taunting and dancing. Layla takes a big spill, going face-first into the apron after Beth kicked her off. Beth misses a rope attack, and Layla tries a schoolboy for a nearfall. Beth hit a big powerslam for two after Layla got a nearfall with a creative Irish-whip small package-type takedown. Beth lifts Layla over her head, but Layla counters with a big DDT for a nearfall. Layla follows with a neckbreaker for the pinfall at 7 minutes. Not unbearable, actually.
Backstage, AJ finds Kane in a dark corner with a spotlight on him. What’s he doing there? I never know what he’s doing! AJ gives him a kiss on the cheek, but Kane pulls her back and plants a long one on her. She should probably brush her teeth and gargle with Scope as soon as humanly possible. She’s definitely involved in the decision.
Sin Cara d. Hunico
I wonder who’s going to win this one. Hunico comes out on a pathetic bicycle like a 4-year-old. Grow the fuck up. Sin Cara’s pyro is far less effective when he’s bouncing off the ropes rather than off a trampoline. Sin Cara tried for a suicide dive, but Hunico hit a nice counter, followed by a senton flip from the apron to the inside. Hunico showing off some impressive offence as Cara gets his shit handed to him early. Impressive slam by Hunico, followed by a powerbomb. Are you sure this guy isn’t in LAX from TNA Wrestling? Listening to Booker T talk is like listening to your grandfather with Alzheimers get mad over something that happened 50 years ago that he forgot about. Cara mounts a comeback as the pace quickens. He hits a big spinning bulldog or something for the pinfall at 6 minutes. Wow, that’s it? That was the finish? He got his ass kicked all match and just won at the end. Weak.
Triple Threat match–WWE Championship: (C) CM Punk d. Daniel Bruan vs. Kane
AJ is pretty crazy. Lord knows I’ve dealt with my share of crazy chicks. I love Kane’s delay between the pyro and audio cue. “CM Punk” chant following his introduction. Typical triple threat format. Punk and DB counter a double Chokeslam opportunity and start countering with shots and kicks to Kane, with the crowd chanting “YES!” for each shot landed. Punk tries for a suicide dive on DB, but Kane clotheslines Punk halfway through the run. After sending both guys out of the ring, Punk hits a springboard crossbody from the to rope to the outside on both of them. Nicely done. Kane with a big uppercut on the outside as DB tries a diving clothesline from the apron. Punk gets worked on around the ringpost, including a half body stretch by Kane. Kane then hits a baseball slide, sending Punk back-first under the turnbuckle into the ringpost. DB runs in from out of nowhere and collides with Punk in the corner, but takes a slam from Kane. DB then with a toehold drop on Kane into the middle turnbuckle, followed by a kick to the middle rope, which bounced and smashed Kane in the face. Nicely done. Kane and Punk keep pulling each other off the rop rope as they try to superplex DB, and Kane actually pulled down Punk’s trunks, exposing his ass. After about 10 tries, DB hits a dropkick on both guys for two. DB hits offsetting kicks to the chest with both Punk and Kane on their knees, with the fans screaming “YES!” He lays out Kane with a kick to the head as he and Punk begin to pick up the pace. With DB trying to superplex Punk, Kane comes in and gets DB on his shoulders. Punk hits a springboard clothesline off the top rope for the Doomsday Device! That was awesome. Punk then hits a running knee and a running bulldog, followed by a Flying Elbow for two. Punk goes for a GTS, but Kane boots him and gets two. Punk tries for an Elbow Drop on Kane but misses. DB climbs up top and hits aFlying Headbutt on Punk for a nearfall. Kane gets sent out, and Punk and Bryan go back at it again. DB locks in the YES! Lock on Punk, but Punk counters for a nearfall. Punk hits a GTS on Bryan, but Kane pulls him out of the ring. Kane goes for a Chokeslam, but Punk counters into a DDT for two. Punk then gets a Flying Elbow on Kane for two. Kane muscles out of a GTS and hits a big boot on Punk, followed by a Chokeslam for a nearfall. “WHAT DA HAYELL!?” asks Booker. Kane can’t believe it. He goes for a Tombstone Piledriver, but Punk escapes and pushes Kane into the ropes–AJ had just climbed to the apron, so Kane sent her crashing to the mat. Punk hits a GTS on Kane for the pinfall at 18 minutes. Excellent match. Post-match, Kane rushes over to AJ and carries her to the back. She looks over Kane’s shoulder and is smiling, looking at Punk in the ring. This chick is nuts. Punk finds out what happens and sees the replay on the titantron and smiles.
3-hour Raw promo beginning July 23.
Ryback vs. Dan Delany and Rob Grimes
They say they’re going to win and be in the main event of WrestleMania 29. I sincerely doubt that. Out comes Goldber–I mean, Ryback. “Goldberg” chant. He lands an impressive back body drop and clothesline right away, followed by a another inverted slam. “Goldberg” chant again. That back bodydrop made that jobber look like a stuffed animal. He hits a Double MuscleBuster for the pinfall in a squash at 2 minutes.
SummerSlam promo.
The steel cage is lowered for the main event.
Steel cage: John Cena vs. Big Show
If Cena wins, John Laurinaitis is fired. Just like last month. Ace comes out with a cane and a ridiculous red suit and blue tie. Looks like a strip of Trident Layers gum. Or a Republican. Vince McMahon comes out to a nice pop. God damn that’s a sweet walk. I wish I could strut like that. I wonder if he walks like that all the time. VKM and Ace are sitting beside each other at the announce desk. Show dominating early. Show misses a KO punch and hits the cage. Cena tries to escape, but Show pulls him back in. “Let’s go Cena, Cena sucks” duelling chants. Show is still in control as Cena quickly gets on top of the cage, but gets pulled back in. Show slips and splits the ropes as Cena hit a shoulder block that hurt him more than Show. Show picks up Cena by the throat as he’s on the top rope, then slams him off. He tried for a massive elbow drop but misses. Jesus, the ring almost caved right in the middle. Show tries to escape out the door, and Show got one hand on the floor, but Cena pulls him back in. Cena tries to escape, but Show pulls him back in. Cena tries for a cover but gets two. Ace runs in and shuts the door, but Vince pushes him away and reopens it. Cena gets halfway out the door, but Ace pushes Vince from behind, which forced the door to slam on Cena’s head. Show hits a Chokeslam, but only for two! Nice sequence. Show goes for a KO punch on Cena, but misses and punches the ref RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE. Cena and Show struggle a bit, but Show hits a KO punch and hits Cena RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE. Show is looking around the crowd. “Smile for me now!” Everyone is incapacitated except Show. Brodus Clay comes out with a steel chair and invites Show to exit through the door. Show starts climbing, but Clay follows again. Show fakes out the door, but Clay is back in front. There’s no way out for Show! Clay motions for people to come, and Alex Riley and Santino start climbing the cell. Show smashes the cage wall, and both guys fall off like a Donkey Kong smash. Zack Ryder tries the same thing with the same result. Kofi Kingston is out next and meets Show at the top of the cage. Kofi lands some kicks to the head and sends Show back into the ring! “Cena” chant. Cena tries to escape through the door, but Show pulls him back in. Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on Show, as Ace watches on from the announce table. Cena gets the cover, but the ref is still out cold. Cena starts climbing as Show begins for the door. Cena is over, and Ace is swinging his crutch at Cena. Clay comes after him and restrains him. Meanwhile, Show is etting closer. Cena falls halfway down and beats Show to the floor by less than a second! Laurinaitis can’t believe it!
Post-match, Cena turns to Ace, who’s still restrained. Cena grabs him and tries for the AA. Vince comes in with the microphone. “JOHN LAURINAITIS…YOU’RE…FIRED!” Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Laurinaitis through the Spanish announce table! Cena re-arranges Laurinaitis’ pose to the People Power pose, as Cena hugs Brodus ringside. Cole has suddenly turned on Ace, saying he’s no longer his boss. Cena celebrates as Laurinaitis remains out cold to end the show.
Three Stars of the Show
* CM Punk
** Daniel Bryan
*** Dolph Ziggler