RAW
A special 3-hour Raw comes to you live from Detroit, Michigan.
Teddy Long starts the show with the Extreme Rules contract signing. John Cena comes out first. Brock Lesnar’s music hits next, but John Laurinaitis is out instead, and he yells at Long for being too early because Lesnar isn’t here yet, even though it was advertised as the opening segment. Ace tells Long to tell Cena that it’s his last night on Raw, and to leave the ring.
Edge’s music hits, and he comes out to a huge ovation. YES! He says he’s not supposed to be here, and that his WWE contract expires in a few days. That’s true, according to reports. He says he came to talk to Cena, and says he needs the Cena that beat him at the TLC match in Toronto at Unforgiven, not what he’s become now. He called Cena the best opponent of his career. Edge and Cena have had lots of differences, but the one similarity is their passion to be a wrestler. He talked about Lesnar leaving 8 years ago, and how he and Cena had to carry the load, and how Lesnar doesn’t care about the WWE or the fans. If Cena doesn’t win, it’s a slap in the face to HBK, Taker and himself. “WAKE UP! I’m not asking you to beat Brock Lesnar. I’m TELLING you to.” Edge leaves and Cena thinks it over. Nice opening segment, and they did it without Cena having said one word. Very well done, and a good appeal for the wrestlers who are retired/aren’t active anymore.
Chris Jericho d. Kofi Kingston via submission (B)
Jericho was in control before a high crossbody for a two, followed by an SOS for another nearfall. Kofi hit a crossbody on Jericho’s lower back. He went up top for a springboard, but Jericho caught him mid-air with a huge Codebreaker. Awesome! He got up and applied the Lion Tamer for the submission at 13 minutes. Cole incorrectly called it a lionsault. Oops. Post-match, Jericho cut a promo talking about how he’ll do this to Punk in front of his family–an extremely drunk father, an extremely drug abused sister, and an extremely morally challenged mommy. He says he has a gift for Punk later that will help him cope after he loses. After he wins the WWE Championship at Extreme Rules, Jericho will prove he’s the best in the world at everything he does. Overall, a great match. More please!
Flashback of Brock Lesnar vs. Jeff Hardy at Backlash 2002.
Apparently we have to wait for Lesnar before doing the contract signing. I wonder when he’ll show…
Backstage, John Laurinaitis talking to Eve. He asks her if she wants to be Executive Administrator, which she accepts.
Lesnar video package from last week.
Backstage, Josh Mathews talking to CM Punk. He shows Jericho’s gift, which is a liquor basket. Punk said he’d give him a gift at Extreme Rules. He gives the liquor gift basket to Josh Mathews, but kept a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Lord Tensai d. R-Truth (D-)
Tensai hit a double choke bomb, then spit green mist in his hand and did the Claw for the pinfall at 2 minutes. The usual.
Kane came out to cut a promo. Kane calls Randy Orton a scared little boy having a nightmare. Orton comes on the big screen and says he’s returning the favour for the beatdown on his dad last week. He’s got Paul Bearer tied up to a wheelchair, and rolls him into a deep freezer. Kane said he doesn’t care what Orton does to Paul Bearer, because his dad is the devil. “I’m sorry to say dad…I have no intention of saving you.” Son of a bitch. As Kane heads up the ramp, Orton attacks him and gets a series of shots in with a lead pipe. Kane bailed up the lower bowl steps.
Backstage, Alex Riley finds Jericho backstage. Riley says he saw Punk drinking some the booze that Jericho gave him. They walk over to his dressing room, and Punk is taking a phone call, drinking from a red plastic party cup with the bottle of Jack Daniels on the table.
Big Show & The Great Khali d. Cody Rhodes & Alberto Del Rio (D)
ADR came out with a 2012 Porsche 911. Nice. Also confirmed for Extreme Rules is Show vs. Rhodes for the Intercontinental Championship. The heels worked on Show’s knee, and Rhodes applied the Figure Four Leglock. Show eventually powered out and knocked down Rhodes and ADR. Del Rio declines a tag and leaves with Ricardo. Khali hits a chop on Rhodes, and Show finishes it with a chokeslam for the pinfall at 8 minutes. Thank God Khali didn’t leave the apron.
Extreme Rules pre-show live on Youtube. Santino vs. The Miz for the United States Championship.
Backstage, Jericho talking to Laurinaitis, Eve and Teddy. Jericho wants Punk to be stripped of the title. Eve says something can be done according to company policy. Jericho suggests Punk takes a field sobriety test with police officers in the ring–if he fails, Jericho gets the title. Ace tells Long to oversee the event.
Brock Lesnar arrives. Mathews is trying to ask him questions, but Lesnar pushes him hard against a truck by the throat, then cleans him off. Josh says “I was just trying to do my job,” and Lesnar turns back, grabs him and throws him into a cage sheet at one of the backstage interview sets. Lesnar stares him down and leaves.
Backstage, Mathews being taken away on a stretcher. Wimp.
Divas Championship: Nikki Bella d. (C) Beth Phoenix (D-)
Before the match, Eve came out to make it a Lumberjill match. Beth’s title reign is nearing a record if she can keep the title past May 1. Wow, what’s with the Bellas camel toe? Nikki falls out to the floor, and Beth goes after her, but twists her ankle on the landing and is clearly in pain. Brie attacked as the Lumberjills ran in, but Beth is crying on the floor. Nikki landed a quick rollup for the pinfall at 4 minutes, as Beth gets checked on. The injury looks real, but the switch makes it look like a work. Especially since the Bellas aren’t expected to re-sign their expiring contracts too.
Punk’s sobriety test in the ring. Punk comes out wobbly and loose. He’s asked to recite the alphabet backwards, but Punk says no one can do it backwards drunk or sober. Damn right. He messed up right away. Next was a straight line walk, with red tape going vertically down the ring. Punk does a Karate Kid pose, and took a few steps before losing his balance. Jericho is screaming for the title. The second cop says Punk is intoxicated, and Jericho is screaming for Long to do his job. Punk eventually relinquishes the title, but asks for one more chance. Punk successfully recites the alphabet backwards (with the exception of S and T), and walks the straight line twice, the second time with Ric Flair swag. Punk then attacks Jericho up the ramp and celebrates at the stage. Kind of a stupid segment, but it had it’s chuckle moments.
Lesnar vs. Hogan flashback from an August of 2002 SmackDown.
Mark Henry d. Sheamus w/ Daniel Bryan as guest referee (F)
Bryan came out as special guest ref. Henry scored a takedown and got a three count in less than one full second for the pinfall. Post-match, Bryan threw his ref shirt at Sheamus, who attacked him on the outside. He got back in and gave Henry a Brogue Kick, but got kicked in the head by Bryan right after, who then applied the YES! Lock. He’s screaming YES! during the submission as well. Bad match, but good add to the storyline.
Backstage, Todd Striker with Sheamus, who calls Bryan a coward. Sheamus says he’s no saint, but if he was Daniel Bryan he’d start praying.
Santino & Zack Ryder d. Primo & Epico w/Rosa (D)
Santino got the hot tag and went for the Cobra. He got dropkicked by Primo but no-sold it, then hit the Cobra for the pinfall at 4 minutes.
Backstage, Kane opens the freezer with Paul Bearer in it. Kane takes him out and removes the tape from his mouth. Bearer asks if Kane’s there to save him–Kane says to save him from him, then puts him back in. Stupid.
Backstage, Primo, Epico and Rosa are confronted by Abraham Washington. He asks why their entrance was during a commercial, and why they weren’t at WrestleMania. He gives them his card in case they want promotional help.
Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle d. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger via DQ
Why are they wrestling a midget? Vickie went into the ring and slapped Clay in the face for the DQ at 2 minutes. Post-match, she tries to dance with the crew, but Hornswoggle bites her ass. Great line by Michael Cole: ”I can’t believe we just sat through that.”
Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle at WrestleMania 19. No missed Shooting Star Press obviously.
Lesnar video package.
Ace comes out and introduces Lesnar again. He tries to introduce Cena, but this time, he no-shows. ”Come on out, Little Johnny.” Lesnar says Cena’s too chicken and doesn’t have the balls to come out. Lesnar sits down with Ace to go over some changes that he demanded. If he does them, he’ll agree to do Extreme Rules. Lesnar said he’s not the same naïve farm boy that he was eight years ago. Lesnar called himself an enterprise. “This company needs Brock Lesnar. If I’m going to be the face of this company, then I need changes.” Brock says he wants all decisions run by him before being approved, and that he wants Vince McMahon’s private jet to and from each venue for Raw. “I don’t like people. Especially stupid people.” Me neither! He also says he wants a pay increase, stemming from Sheamus’ $500K fine for abusing a ref. “You suck” chant, but Lesnar shakes it off. His last demand is being the face of Raw. “It’s not just going to be Monday Night Raw. It’s going to be Monday Night Raw starring Brock Lesnar.” Ace agrees, and they shake hands. Lesnar signs the Extreme Rules contract.
Cena comes out with a chain and lock around his neck. Duelling “Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks” chants. He takes off the chain and wraps it around his fist. Lesnar tells Cena to sign it, and tells him he feels fear in Cena. Cena signs it. They’re about to throw down, but Lesnar tips the table over. Laughing, he circles to the other side and leaves the ring to end the show. Slow, weak, disappointing finish.
Three Stars of the Show
* Chris Jericho
** Edge
*** Hornswoggle
Final Grade: D-
Why do 3 hours for this? A poor show altogether. Aside from Jericho/Kofi, no good matches and little buildup to Sunday. So many promos, too.