Raw comes to you live from Sacramento, California. Am I worried about the Sacramento Kings? Not as much as I’m worried about the Sacramento Queens.
Bret Hart kicks off Raw with a promo. Why is he wearing a Batman shirt? Are they even allowed to do that? He talks about the problems that Team Raw is having and how he put in the good word to Cena about Edge and Jericho because of their experience and stuff, but says he guesses he was wrong. He calls out both guys, but only Jericho shows. Jericho says he wants to be convinced that he’s the best in the world at what he does, that the team needs him to win, etc. but Bret says he’s not going to do that. Hart says this is Jericho’s time to man up and change things, and how quitting the team will not hurt the WWE but only hurt him since no one will want anything to do with him anymore. Hart continued, but Jericho still says no. Jericho calls Hart a hypocrite like all the fans and can see that Bret is scared when he looks in his eyes since they can’t beat Nexus without Jericho or Edge. “Once again in the WWE, Bret Hart is screwed.” He says he’s not interested in teaming with Cena and is even less interested in teaming with Hart. Tonight he’s going to take out Hart and Cena so they can’t compete at SummerSlam.
Edge interrupts and cuts a face promo, saying, “What’s the matter with you, this is Bret The Hitman Hart. We grew up idolizing him. He’s the reason we got into this business, Chris.” Edge says how Jericho trained in The Dungeon while Edge saved money to go to Maple Leaf Gardens in hopes of Hart putting his sunglasses on his head. Wow, me too. Edge then says, “I don’t know about Jericho, but you can count me in.” Jericho leaves the ring, but as Edge and Bret shake hands, Edge goes for a kick, which Bret catches and turns into a sharpshooter. Before he can fully lock in, Jericho gives Bret a thumb to the eye and both guys bail.
As Rated Y2J go up the ramp, Natalya runs down to the ring crying and panicking. The jumbotron goes backstage and we see Nexus beating down The Hart Dynasty. Barrett says “looks like it’s not your day, Bret.” Bret and Natalya run to the back. They’re checking on THD and Bret goes and grabs a chair, but Cena stops him, saying that this is what Nexus wants and that they’ll be able to pick them off one by one this way. Cena says going to have a discussion with The Great Khali. Great opening segment.
The Miz d. Evan Bourne (1/2*)
Neither guy is booked for Summerslam. The crowd starts a “Miz is Awesome” chant. Bourne sold the running clothesline into the turnbuckle nicely. Bourne hit an AWESOME backwards hurricarana off the top rope – he jumped backwards over the back onto a backwards Miz, so everything was forwards. It was wicked, YouTube it. Miz kicks out and eventually hits the Skull Crushing Finale at 4 minutes. Post match, Miz says he doesn’t care if it’s Sheamus or Orton that wins on Sunday, he’ll cash in his MITB when he’s ready.
Cena w/ Khali but no audio. Where the hell are they? It looks like a sewer or something. Why does Khali hang around there? Anyways, as usual, Khali is in his awkward, generic pose. Gotta love it.
Melina d. Alicia Fox (*)
Melina has put on a bit of weight. It was a fairly long match for a Divas match. Melina got a lot of offence in in this one. Fox puts her in a torture rack, but Melina reverses and lands a sunset flip powerbomb for the fall at 4 minutes.
Matthews w/ Khali. Singh is MIA, so we’re stuck translating for ourselves. Khali’s rambling in Punjabi, and everyone’s like “WHAT?” Yeah, I said the same. Matthews asks him to speak in English, and he says he’s fighting Barrett tonight. If he can speak English, why does he speak Punjabi first knowing that no one can understand him?
Alicia Fox (C) vs. Melina has been added to SummerSlam.
Rated Y2J talking about what Bret said. Jericho says Bret might have had a point. Edge says they have survived everybody in the business naming Rock, Austin, etc. Jericho says tonight they take out Cena & Bret because there won’t be a SummerSlam match without them, and that’ll put them in the clear.
R-Truth with John Morrison talk about replacements for the team. Mark Henry comes out and says he can fill the void for two guys. Yeah, no kidding. He says this match will be his audition. Nexus is seen watching a TV, and they walk off.
Ted Dibiase vs. Mark Henry ends in No Contest
Nexus shows up, so the match is thrown out. They toss Henry into the steps shoulder-first and leave through the crowd. Cole says that Nexus’ plan is to eliminate all potential replacements for Team WWE.
Sheamus out. He says he’s not afraid of Randy Orton and shows a video package of his matches. Then he calls out Orton. Randy comes out to say he thinks Sheamus is full of it. Sheamus says everyone takes him seriously, while Orton says he’s going to blow it this Sunday at SummerSlam just like he blew it last week when he had a chance to take out Orton. Orton says Sheamus has never beaten him. Sheamus said he’s taken out HHH and Cena, Orton says he’s neither of them, but Sheamus counters with Orton not the WWE Champion either. Orton says to do something about it (attack him) since he was too afraid to do it last week. Loud “RKO” chants start up, but we get an email.
The GM says if anybody interferes in the title match at SummerSlam they will be suspended indefinitely. If Orton loses at SummerSlam, there will be no rematch and he will go back to the end of the line. If Sheamus is not scared, then the GM encourages him to do something about it right now.
Sheamus slowly starts to walk away, but quickly spins and fakes a punch, but Orton doesn’t flinch. Sheamus goes to leave again, but Orton jumps him from behind. Sheamus hits a heavy clothesline but misses the scissor kick. Orton reverses it into an inverted backbreaker and decided to punt Sheamus in the skull. He winds up but stops right before Sheamus’ head to scare him. Sheamus turns as pale as a ghost…oops. Great segment.
Michael McGillicutty, Alex Riley & Husky Harris d. Kaval, Percy Watson & Lucky Cannon (*)
Sheamus is still ringside, pacing. Cannon hits a crossbody on MM. Blind tag by Husky. I just found out that he’s the son of IRS. Cool. He hits his running back splash for the fall on Kaval in 4 minutes. Post match, Sheamus beats up Lucky & MM on the floor, then gets in the ring and High Crosses Kaval. He says that at this time next week he will be our WWE Champion.
John Morrison & R-Truth vs. William Regal & Zack Ryder (1/2*)
I like JoMo’s beard. Cole says that Ryder calls himself “Long Isand Iced Z.” No comment. JoMo hits a backwards rock bottom backflip thing. Outstanding, YouTube it. Morrison hits Starship Payne on Ryder for the fall in 2 minutes.
Summertime Spectacular: The Bellas vs. Maryse/Jillian vs. Gail/Eve (DUD)
Not much to say here. It’s as bad as a regular 1-on-1 Divas match, but they’ve just multiplied the amount of bad in the ring from 2 to 6. Maryse interferes, so Gail puts a rubber donut on her and kicks her. One Bella hits Jillian and the other comes off the top with a cross body for the pinfall. Santino was ref, and was hilarious as usual. Kozlov was ringside. I don’t know why. Post match, Tamina comes out to stare down Santino and blocks him from leaving the ring. She gives way and slaps his ass on the way out. He’s confused. “She touch-a my bum!”
Summerslam Recall: 1991 Bossman vs. The Mountie. Did he just use a police baton as a taser? Don’t tase me bro!
Khali headed to the ring, but he’s jumped by Nexus and taken out at the knees. They leave as a ref shows up to call for help. Evan Bourne really needs to join Team WWE. Might as well, since they’re pushing him so hard to begin with.
The Nexus comes out. Wade Barrett tells us that the match against Khali has been cancelled. Probably for the better. Wade says they’re going to win and achieve more than anybody has ever imagined. Skip tells us that Raw has become their show even though they’ve only had like 2 matches. Otunga says “you’re either Nexus or against us.”
This is shown on the jumbotron with Nexus watching, by the way. Hart & Cena walking and Miz shows up. He says it was a matter of time before they came looking for him. He wants to hear Bret ask him to be on the team. Bret says: “Fine, are you in or out?” Miz wants to hear it from Cena too, who asks the exact same thing. He says times have changed in just one year with Cena asking Miz for help. His final answer is, “I’ll let you know Sunday.” Cena says it’s a shame they might need him.
Justin Long is guest host next week. He’s in Live Free or Die Hard/Accepted.
Chris Jericho & Edge (Edgicho?) vs. Bret Hart & John Cena
Edge quickly tosses Cena to the floor and Nexus beats him up before throwing him back. They’re all standing facing TV-side for some reason. Jericho throws Cena out and they beat him up, then they do it again. Cena eventually tosses Jericho out, who braces as if he’s getting hit by a train. Nexus does nothing and lets him get in the ring on his own accord. Cena goes for an AA but Jericho counters into the Walls. Cena tossed out again on another side, but he nails Barrett with a right hand before getting back onto the apron. Jericho hits Barrett by accident, Jericho screams at him so Nexus beats up Jericho now. Edge comes in for the save, but he gets beaten down too. Hart pulls in Justin Gabriel and hits him before they pull him back out.
Nexus huddles up around ringside. I guess the match is over now. It’s 7-on-2 now. They climb up on the apron, but JoMo and Truth run in beside Cena, so it’s now 7-on-4. Edge and Jericho are watching from the ramp. They look at each other, then continue up the ramp. They stop, look at each other again and run back into the ring to back Cena. The crowd is HUGE at this point and it’s now 7-on-6. A huge staredown, it’s like the opening of the X-Men cartoon. Everybody starts pumping their fists and Edge hits on the Nexus guys to cue a huge brawl. The crowd absolutely ERUPTS. This is awesome. I’m going nuts too. Nexus quickly bails and Team WWE stands in the ring.
Three Stars of the Show
* Evan Bourne. Sick spot.
** John Morrison. Sick spot.
*** Chris Jericho. He screams in the ring a lot.
Final Score: 7
The main event was barely a match as expected, but it hyped SummerSlam, so mission accomplished. Jericho & Edge rejoining was kinda obvious, but The Miz is likely member #7. None of the matches went over 5 minutes, but it was a solid show in terms of promoting the PPV. I’m very excited to catch the show next Sunday. Everything seems that much more intense.
Marc Valeri – firstname.lastname@example.org
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