– Here’s Beth’s Extreme Rules PPV, as promised. She’s going to be VoV.com’s first lady when it comes to PPV reviews. Also, two other writers are currently sitting at the helm. Stay tuned. Without further delay, here’s Beth!
WWE EXTREME RULES — JUNE 7, 2009, Live from New Orleans, LA
So this is my first review on VoV.com, and I’m sorry to say that it will be a tad disgruntled. But hey, I’ll do what I came here to do, and that’s review the PPV.
So during the Free For All, which is what we call it down here in the States, the idiotic host was really pushing the idea that this PPV was going to be “extreme”. He was holding a Singapore cane, a folding chair, and toward the end he was even on a ladder. How cool. I started getting the feeling at that point that this wasn’t going to be at ALL extreme if they had to hype so hard that it was going to be.
On with the show!!
Fatal Four Way Match for U.S. Title
Kofi Kingston (Champion) vs MVP vs William Regal vs Matt Hardy
So apparently if you’re a heel in this match, you have to wear a long medieval coat. Matt Hardy ought to wear his for the entire match to cover up those ridiculous TIGHTs he’s been wearing lately. Not a good idea. Apparently the fact that this match contained four people is what made it extreme, considering there was no other stipulation.
The match began with the faces ganging up on William Regal for some reason, perhaps because he’s the only one who isn’t a U.S. citizen. Those U.S. title contenders are very touchy about who wins that title. Also, he’s white, and considering the U.S. title seems to be a blacks-only belt, perhaps they wanted to eliminate him early. Why didn’t they go after Matt? Easy. He’s from the south, and
southerners lynch their kind down there.
In all seriousness, this match was pretty good. Matt did the dumb spot where all of the other three get laid out and he has a pin attempt on all of them. Actually, I’m convinced he was searching their pockets for a corned beef sandwich. Regal dominated a lot of the match, and he looks better every day. I swear he’s got that Benjamin Button disease where he ages backwards. I think that’s the premise, I didn’t see that movie. Anyway, I’m rambling.
Kofi retained his title with a running insiguri. It was a very short match, and it felt pretty hurried. We’ll find out why later. Pretty good match though, and unfortunately, it would only go downhill from there.
Winner and Still Intercontinental Champion: Kofi Kingston
No Holds Barred Match for the Intercontinental Title
Y2J Chris Jericho vs Rey Mysterio (Champion)
I was surprised that Mysterio still had the cajones to make out with those children on his way to the ring after what happened to him on Smackdown with the whole Jericho thing. He did look a bit apprehensive, though, before slipping his tongue to one of those young’uns.
Jericho was at the merchandise stand, complaining that they were selling Mysterio masks. He said ‘hypocrite’ and ‘parasite’ about five times, and that’s really getting old. I love Jericho, but he’s gotta come up with some new buzz words.
This match was decent, just your typical back and forth action. I found it interesting that they still made Jericho wear lifts. Really, is there any reason for that? His opponent is the size of an f’n third grader.
Anyway, the match was okay. At one point Jericho was choking Mysterio in the corner, and the ref made him break it. Why? Isn’t this a no-holds barred match? If this were real life, wouldn’t you just choke him dead and then take the belt? Hmm, I guess the IC title isn’t worth killing for anymore.
Mysterio teases the 619 about five times and doesn’t hit it. Rey goes for a seated centon off the ropes and Jericho meets him midair with a codebreaker. Great spot. They FINALLY get a chair involved after that, apparently someone whispered to them that it was a no-holds barred match. Jericho gets him into the Walls, Rey grabs the chair and smacks him one, then goes for the 619, and in mid-move Jericho rips Mysterio’s mask off. Mysterio is flustered enough to be rolled up and pinned. The marks we were with in the bar were shocked at the unmasking, whilst all the ex-WCW fans in the world wondered, “What’s the big deal?”
Winner and NEW WWE Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho
FREAK OUT!! The Macho Man DVD comes out this Tuesday. OOH YEAH, DIG IT!
So we cut to the back, where we find that smiling idiot Josh Matthews with Big Dave Batista. This big ‘roided up tough guy looks into the camera and proclaims he will get retribution for “the man he loves”. Hmm. Is there any way that can NOT be interpreted as being gay? I know my mind is usually in the gutter, but I didn’t even have to TRY for this one. Is he aware that the man he loves is twice his age and incredibly senile? Oh well. Big Dave’s never been accused of having good taste.
Samoan Strap Match
Umaga vs CM Punk
So, if you aren’t familiar with the premise of a strap match, you’re not missing much. The competitors are connected with a long strap, and to win you have to touch all four turnbuckles in succession. And to help us keep track of this, WWE decided to put a cute little scoreboard in the upper right corner of the screen. Ha. Thank Shelley Umaga’s not a savage anymore, otherwise I don’t think he’d be able to understand these complex rules.
It starts out typically, they each beat the other down long enough to touch TWO of the turnbuckles, then get interrupted. Punk is thrown out of the ring, which restricts Umaga’s movements. He pulls him back into the ring, and they each touch THREE in succession, but can’t get the fourth.
Kind of a boring match. My brother (who is a wrestling scholar) informed me at that point that all strap matches have ended with both superstars touching three turnbuckles then competing to see who could touch the fourth first. Right after saying this, Punk touches three, goes for the fourth, gets yanked back, then hoists Umaga up, hits the GTS, and touches the fourth for the win. Nice.
Winner: CM Punk
So we cut to the back, where we see Gregory Helms interviewing Christian. Hold on a second. Gregory Helms? How does this idiot still have a job? He hasn’t had a workable gimmick in YEARS. Oh yeah, I forgot. None of that is important to the WWE.
Anyway, Christian basically says he’s caught between a rock and a hard place because he wants the ECW belt but cares about Dreamer. Blah blah blah. Then he changes his mind and says he cares more about the title. Isn’t that just like a face? Heels are the friends you want to have. They’ll interfere and cheat for you. Faces are worried about themselves.
Dreamer comes over and says he’s going to win, then Swagger comes over says he’s going to win. Dreamer and Christian walk away from him because they don’t want to be showered in spit. You can’t blame them. I’m actually kind of surprised that Dreamer wasn’t trying to catch the food particles that flew out of Swagger’s mouth to eat them himself. Ha. He’s fat.
Hardcore Match for the ECW Championship
Christian (Champion) vs Tommy Dreamer vs Jack Swagger
The weapons are introduced early in this match, if only just to remind us that this is supposed to be EXTREME. I don’t know about you, but as soon as I hear EXTREME, I think of trash can lids. Anyway, Dreamer and Christian gang up on Swagger, taking turns beating him with a cane and a trash can lid. Dreamer soon turns on Christian, and he and Swagger end up on the outside. Tommy places a trash can behind his head and does a swan dive to the outside, hitting Swagger and Christian. Pretty cool.
Pretty good match. It was pretty busy and fast-paced, and they used the hell out of the weapons. At one point Tommy went under the ring to gather more weapons, including the EXTREME-ly dangerous STOP SIGN! It’s just too bad the same sign wasn’t outside the buffet Tommy frequents every day, then maybe he wouldn’t be so damn fat. Ha.
The high spot of the match was Dreamer on the turnbuckle, and Swagger comes over to superplex him. Christian gets underneath them and they send Tommy crashing through the trash cans. Great stuff.
Christian brings in an EXTREME….crutch!! Swagger uses it against him and attempts a gutwrench powerbomb. Dreamer grabs said crutch, lays out Swagger, DDTs Christian, and WINS THE ECW CHAMPIONSHIP!! I have to admit, I marked out. I don’t care about the ECW title, I don’t care all that much about Dreamer, but he was so genuinely happy that it was kinda cool. The fans were marking out hardcore, and everyone ignored that poor crippled child that was now left with only one crutch.
Winner and the NEW ECW Champion: Tommy Dreamer
I’m sure all the ECW Originals are real happy for Tommy. Ah, who am I kidding? Sandman was passed out drunk before noon, and RVD was too busy raiding the kitchen for Flaming Hot Cheetos, Twinkies, and Twizzlers that he missed the show. People like Balls Mahoney can’t afford a TV, let alone a $40 pay-per-view. Raven, Rhyno, and Richards have moved on to, you know, new JOBS. At least Sabu saw it all. He’s so hopped up on cocaine he hasn’t slept in days.
Hog Pen Match for the Miss Wrestlemania Crown
Vickie Guerrero vs Santina Marella
During this entire “match”, the only thing I could think about was poor John Morrison, sitting in a hotel room somewhere, or maybe at home in L.A., drinking himself numb. Unfortunately for the Shaman of Sexy, no amount of booze can erase the fact that he hasn’t had one PPV match in recent memory, but there HAS been room for a fat wife of a deceased superstar and a jobber in drag to fight in a pig pen.
I’m not going to waste too much brain power on this one. Vickie declared that it was now a handicapped match and added poor Chavo to the mix. So they all rolled around in some mud, Chavo meant to slop Santina but got Vickie, blah blah blah. Santina won “her” crown back, and then thank Alex Shelley, it was over.
Sadly, this match got a bigger pop out of the marks in the bar than Dreamer’s win did. Sigh.
Winner and NEW Miss WrestleMania: Santina Marella
We see a package for Summerslam, which is apparently August 23rd. Too bad we’re not watching that instead of this.
Goldust and Hornswaggle make fun of Vickie and Chavo, and Goldust is STILL stuttering. Still? Come on, WWE. How is this guy getting more airplay than his much younger, much more talented brother Cody? The drinks weren’t coming fast enough at the bar I was watching this at.
Steel Cage Match for the WWE Championship
Randy Orton (Champion) vs Batista
This match made me nervous. I originally felt okay about it, but then I saw that one of the marks at the bar with me had purchased one of the PPV posters, and Batista was on it instead of Rey Mysterio. See, my theory is that whoever is pictured on the poster always wins, so this instantly shook me up.
This match is going to be held in an EXTREME 15-foot cage! Okay, if this cage is 15-feet tall, then Randy Orton is about 9 feet tall. It’s not even 15-feet tall from the FLOOR. But hey, if I pointed out all of WWE’s inconsistencies, it would take me a month to write this thing.
So the bell rings, and Randy instantly rushes to the cage and starts climbing. Smart. He gets all the way to the top before Big Dave finally catches him and pulls him down for a hard bump. Big Dave gets him in the corner and gives him a few shoulderblocks, since it’s one of the four moves he knows. Randy makes another break for the cage and is pulled down. Dave hits a clothesline (move 2 of 4), and Randy crawls for the door to get out. lol I love how everyone thinks he’s a chicken sh*t, but think about this in real terms.
Wouldn’t you try to get the hell out of there and win as fast as you could too?
Of course that doesn’t work, and Dave drags him back. Randy hits his super-cool back/neck breaker thingie and goes for the door yet AGAIN. He gets almost all the way out before Dave grabs his legs and pulls him back in.
They finally decide to use the cage as a weapon, cuz they had forgotten that this is the alleged EXTREME PPV. Batista slams Orton into each side of the cage. Pretty soon Dave signals for the Batista Bomb, and Orton reverses it. Dave is down, Orton goes for the punt and misses, then Dave scoops him up for the Batista Bomb. A simple three-count, and there it is. IN A SEVEN MINUTE F’N CAGE MATCH.
My jaw dropped on this one, as Big Dave’s will later as he celebrates with the “man he loves”. Seriously though, I’m just wondering now what Orton did wrong to lose the title in the lamest cage match of the century to a man who apparently needs shoulder surgery. I was stunned.
UPDATE: Dave will go under the knife this Tuesday the 9th. Look for him dropping it Monday on Raw.
Winner and the NEW WWE Champion: Batista
At this point, I was praying for CM Punk to cash in, anything to keep this from being true. I cannot STAND Big Dave, mostly because he sucks. And the fact that I’m a hardcore Orton mark doesn’t help my feelings about this match either. Seriously though, I couldn’t believe how short it was. That’s what she said.
John Cena vs Big Show
Oh boy. I know the show was winding down here, but we could have all taken a well-deserved nap during this one. The entire match was Cena attempting a hold of some sort, then Show knocking him down with an oversized fist. Cena attempts the STF about a dozen times, and STILL cannot get it, like he couldn’t get it last time at Judgment Day.
I cannot call a blow by blow on this one. Like every Show match, it was riddled with headbutts, and big punches, and a lot of general clumsiness. Cena tries a sleeper and almost gets him down, but Show tosses him off. A lot of back and forth stuff, Cena tries the STF more and still can’t get it, finally slams him in the attitude adjustment, blah blah blah.
So Cena decides to break the rules and use the ropes to help him hold the big show in a submission move. He hooks Show’s gargantuan foot in the ropes and hooks on the crippler crossface in the front. Now, everything that I have ever “learned” from the WWE would make this an instant rope break, but apparently at the EXTREME PPV and if you’re John Cena you get away with it.
Unlike others, Big Show survives this Benoit-killer move and taps out. Thankfully the bell woke us all up in time to get ready for the next match.
Winner: John Cena
You know, Jeff should have stopped walking under all the ladders before each match a while ago. He says he isn’t superstitious, but maybe he should be. Have you seen the Hardyz record in ladder matches against Edge and Christian? Not good.
Ladder Match for the World Title
Edge(Champion) vs Jeff Hardy
How epic! We’ve never seen these two fight in a ladder match! Wait…yes we have. About a dozen times. But for some reason this match did hold a lot of anticipation, and I was hoping it would deliver as well.
It started off pretty typically, trading blows back and forth. Jeff works Edge over in the corner for a while, then scoops him up for a body slam and follows it with a leg drop. Edge answers with a spear and a DDT attempt, but Jeff counters it into a suplex. He grabs a ladder on the outside, and Edge baseball slides into the ladder, nailing it into Jeff.
They finally get the ladder into the ring, and Jeff falls onto it in some botched move attempt which looked really painful. It was around this time that one of the announcers referred to him as a “professional risk taker”. I’m not sure what the hell that means, but I think it’s a nice way of calling him an idiot that takes crazy chances. That’s what I would call him if I had the chance.
So the ladder’s in the corner, and Edge Irish Whips Jeff into it. He then tries to follow that with a spear, but Jeff moves and Edge eats the ladder. Jeff then dropkicks the ladder into Edge. They lay around for a bit, then Edge slams Jeff’s leg in it. While his leg is STILL in it, he puts Jeff in the sharpshooter. Of course Jeff is too high to feel the pain, so he just laughs and laughs. Kidding.
My notes are pretty choppy on this one, I was watching more than writing. Anyway, they finally get a ladder set up and Edge climbs up, only to have the ladder rudely kicked out from under him by the EXTREME Enigma. Jeff then flips the ladder upside down, and for a minute it looked like he was going to build one of his ridiculous Aluminummies. Thankfully, though, he was just setting it up in a V so he could PAINFULLY slam Edge into it. Ouch.
Jeff gets ANOTHER ladder from the outside, probably because there was literally twenty or so set up at ringside and he felt pressured to use them all. Jeff then climbed the ladder and looked like he was going to be dangling from the belt, and I was hoping we could re-enact that AWESOME scene from that one TLC when Edge spears him down. But they didn’t, instead Edge just pulls his legs. LAME!
So they eventually get to the outside and build a ladder bridge from the ring to the barricade. I winced at this obviously, cuz that never results in anything good. Sure enough, they eventually climb a ladder NEXT TO the bridge and crash through it. Jeff lands square on his shoulder, and for a second he — and the rest of us — thought that he had definitely tore something. But he seemed okay.
So they eventually get into the ring, and they start to climb…then Edge knocks Jeff down, and Jeff grabs Edge’s foot, and pulls him between the rungs of the ladder. Edge gets stuck in there, which looks extremely painful, and Jeff climbs up and GRABS THE TITLE!!
He trash talks Edge a bit, then holds up his prize for the crowd to see. JR gets into the ring to interview him, which is very strange, and I should have known then that something was amiss.
I was shocked, and felt a little strange as the people around me in the bar marked out hardcore for Jeff, especially since I was wearing a Randy Orton shirt and my man had just lost his title. I gathered my things and got ready to leave, when all of a sudden…
CM PUNK’S MUSIC HITS!!
I instantly started screaming, and all the Hardy marks looked fat and confused. (Well, they looked fat the entire time, but the confusion part was new.) Anyway, here comes Punk with his briefcase, doing what I had dreamed of, CASHING IN ON JEFF HARDY IN HIS MOMENT OF GLORY. Hahaha, I’m so evil.
Punk hits the GTS. 1…2….KICK OUT! WTF!! I got nervous. One more GTS was all it took, and CM Punk WINS the title, gets BOOED out of the arena, and RUINS the lives of Jeff Hardy marks everywhere!! It almost made up for Orton losing his title…almost.
Good idea to have Punk cash in on Hardy, especially in a place like Louisiana which is thick with marks. I was just starting to like Punk, and now with a heel turn it will be easy to LOVE him.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Jeff Hardy
Then…Winner and BRAND NEW World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk
This PPV definitely delivered the surprises. It managed to swerve a few of us, which isn’t easy in the present world of internet smarks. All of the titles changed hands except for the U.S., which is pretty great, even though at least one of those didn’t make much sense. But hey, when does the WWE make sense?
I’ll give this one a B-
I’m Beth. Send me feedback at email@example.com.